on my birthday

Every year loved ones ask me what special thing I'm going to do for my birthday. I usually ask them the same question on their birthdays. (You probably get asked the same thing on your birthday too.) Some years I feel like I need to go somewhere, do something... different than the normal day-to-day. And that was my first thought when I was thinking about my birthday this year, to go somewhere. But I had a feeling that what I would need and what our family would really need that day would be to simply just be home. And I was right. We did so much running around last week, more than usual and then our market day ended up being another very emotional one for me. So what I really needed on Sunday was a healing home day. A day to let my nervous system relax and to be with my family. Last week I told Jeff that for my birthday I wanted to have a "home projects day." We've had a long list of projects around the house that have been getting put off and had been hanging over us. We ended up getting some of them crossed off our list yesterday and it felt great. 

My mom was the first to call and wish me Happy Birthday in the morning. My whole life my mom has always loved to be the first one to do that for my sister and I on our birthdays. Then she precedes to tell us the story of our birth. It's a tradition I enjoy because it always makes me feel so loved. When Bracken woke up I was on the phone with my mom and told him she had just sang me Happy Birthday. Bracken started crying. I thought it was because he was tired and hadn't gotten enough sleep since we had such a long day the day before (and I'm sure that was a big part of it.) But then, through tears, he expressed that he had wanted to sing me Happy Birthday. So Jeff and Bracken sang me Happy Birthday while he was still crying a bit through the whole song (which honestly sounded pretty darn cute) and then that cheered him up a bit. We hung up the birthday banner. I felt spoiled by the delicious meals that Jeff made throughout the day (but I feel that way a lot, he's a really good cook.) Bracken got out a candle for me and decided he wanted one too and that Jeff needed one as well. I ended up hauling firewood for awhile, with Bracken playing near me and Jeff finishing a project in his shop. Bracken found a piece of twine on the ground and announced that he was making me a birthday present. He wove some flowers into the twine and then hung it on the garden gate. It was very sweet. Later I spent Bracken's entire nap time reading my book, which was a wonderful gift to myself. My cousin surprised me and called. Every facebook message and comment on my blog made me smile (Thank you!) Hearing the voices of loved ones on the phone and being with my two loves at home were the greatest gifts of my birthday. With each familiar voice on the other line, I felt deeply grateful for that sound. I really needed to be surrounded with that love yesterday. Last night I walked over to my bookshelf and got out the 'To My Daughter, With Love: A Mother's Memory Book' that my mom gifted me years ago. I read it aloud to Bracken, showing him pictures of his great grandma and telling him the stories my mom wrote in the book. He giggled and giggled when I read the part that I went through a cross eyed stage when I was a baby, he thought that was so funny. It was good medicine for my heart to read through it and I thought perhaps it would be a good tradition to start, to read it every year on my birthday.

There were a few mentions that this is now the last year of my twenties. I joked with my dad that I'd have to hurry and get all the "partying" out of my system before I turned thirty. But really, I got tired of that when I was a teenager. By the time I turned twenty I was already done with partying. I'd rather be gardening. Or knitting.

the cold lake cure (& pay it forward)

(This post was written on Friday. Headed off to market now!) 
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Three nights in a row I had really bad dreams and a mild headache that lingered for a few days. Not normal for me at all. On the third night, I woke up in the middle of the night and I prayed, asking for answers and wondering what I could do to change things. Immediately a vision came to me of jumping in the lake. I couldn't get it out of my head. Energetically, I felt stuck somehow. Hard to put into words what I was feeling. Like something was clinging to me that I needed to let go of. A fog of sorts. It felt deeper than just some unpleasant dreams and a bit of a headache. It felt like I needed to shake things off in a major way. I needed to let go of things that were no longer serving me, or things that never had in the first place. Old patterns, old behaviors. I needed to stop looking at myself through the eyes of others and judging myself based on their perspectives of me. I needed to stop doubting myself and the direction my spirit has been leading me. I needed to clear my energy. I needed a transformation.

That morning I got up and set to work. I washed our bedding. Whenever I have a bad dream, one of the first things I do is wash the bedding. (Don't know why I didn't do that the first two nights.) My spirit kept urging me: go to the lake. My brain kept arguing: there's too much to be done around here, no way there's time for that. Finally I said something to Jeff along the lines of: "I need to swim in the lake, I can't get it out of my head, but I keep dismissing the idea because there's so much to do today and I don't feel like we have time for it." Jeff was buried in work that day. We both had so much before us, so much to do that day, that the idea seemed a bit crazy. But he said he'd get some work tied up, we'd go, and then we'd work extra hard to get caught up in the afternoon. I love how supportive he is, time and time again, when I get a feeling about something. We both encourage each other to to listen to that more. We sprang into action. He headed out to his shop to finish as much as he could. I got all our online orders packaged up to mail out on the way, sheets hung to dry, swimming gear gathered. We set off. Our brains said: Isn't there somewhere closer you could swim so it won't take as long? But my spirit kept gently, yet firmly urging: go to the lake. And that's what Jeff felt too, so we went to the lake. There was a forest filled with huckleberries and we ate them as we walked. We had a swimming spot all to ourselves. I dove in and it felt incredible. The water was cold, but not as cold as I had been preparing myself for. Jeff is not much of a water person, he didn't know if he was going to swim at all. He ended up swimming and loving it. We all did. We swam and swam. Jeff was pain-free in the water, getting some relief from his almost constant sciatic pain these days. Bracken didn't want to leave and I could hardly get him out of the water when we finally decided it was time to go. He said to us "more next time!"

It felt like a really magical day for us. On the way home Jeff wanted to stop by Habitat for Humanity to pick something up quickly. Bracken and I were going to wait in the car while he ran in, but then Bracken said he didn't want to be in the car. We sat on the curb in the sunshine until Jeff popped his head out of the door of the store and said something like "come see this." He showed us something he'd found that would work great for what he was needing. Bracken and I wandered around the store a bit and came across a wooden seat. I immediately felt drawn to it. It was so sweet and I loved it. I sat Bracken down in it and he fit perfectly. He sat in it with a big smile on his face. Someone who worked there asked if I was going to buy it. I said it wasn't in the budget that day, but maybe if it was there the next time we came it would be meant to be. He said "you better get it before he grows out of it." There was a line at the cash register and we walked around a bit more. Then we went up to pay. The kind woman working the cash register (who always has fun with Bracken when he comes in) said to us: "I just want to let you know that the woman in line in front of you paid for that chair for your son." We were so shocked we didn't even know what to say. We'd never had anything like that happen before. With tears in my eyes I asked where she was so I could thank her. The lady at the cash register told me she wanted to be anonymous. She wasn't in the store anymore. But I walked to the door of the store and she was backing her car out. I looked in her eyes, holding them for a moment, and mouthed the words: "Thank you." She smiled back at me and drove away. We were all so touched by the experience. Even the woman working there was tearing up. Truly. It's the kind of thing that makes you feel like the world is such a beautiful place. The thing is, I didn't have any interaction with the woman who bought us the seat while we were in the store. I didn't know she even saw us sitting in the seat or was paying any attention to what we were saying. But she quietly watched and decided to do something kind for a family she had never met. As we drove home, I said to Jeff that we would pay it forward the next time an opportunity presented itself. He said yes, we definitely would. If you're reading this: do something kind for someone today, it could make their whole day. Pay it forward. Every little act of kindness makes the world a better place.

I can't even begin to say how renewed I felt from swimming in the lake. I felt cleared out, like a whole new person. Headache gone. A new clarity and peace settled in. I came home with much more energy to tackle the things before me. That night I snuggled into the clean sheets completely exhausted and slept deeply. No bad dream. And the next night I took some big steps in a reoccurring dream of sorts that I've been having for years. Progress. Moving forward. Sometimes when I'm feeling off, I need some time outside, time in the garden. Sometimes I need a heart to heart with someone I love. Sometimes I need to slow down and take a break. Or cover myself in clay. Sometimes I need time to write. Or to create. Or jump in a lake. The things I need to renew my spirit don't always make sense to my brain or even come at convenient times. But I'll tell you what, the cold lake cure certainly worked it's magic this week. And that unexpected gift really filled my heart.

on her 50th

Today is my mom's 50th birthday. This morning I woke up before Bracken with just enough time to look through some pictures. I found this one of my mom, my sister, and I from many years ago. I think we were all dressed up to go to a wedding. Today, on her special birthday, I've been thinking about my mom and how much she means to me. My mom is such a strong person and has such a bright spirit. Her sense of humor gets me through my most frustrating moments time and time again. Just hearing her voice on the phone makes me smile, let out a sigh of relief, and instantly lighten up. I know I can always count on her. I'm so grateful she's my mom and I can't imagine what I'd do without her. Through everything we've been through, my mom was always the glue that held us together. She's so supportive of my sister and I, always encouraging us to follow our hearts and our own paths in life. She's truly one of my best friends in the whole world. Happy 50th Mom! I love you!

filled with stories

Yesterday Bracken and I left home for a few hours to visit a friend nearby and hopefully cheer her up a bit. It was hot and the shade was welcome. It felt wonderful in the shade. We swung on the porch swing her husband had made in the fifth grade (she's in her eighties now, so that porch swing has lasted for a very long time.) It seems everything in and around her home has stories. In a society filled with so many disposable things, I always love seeing things made to last and things that are meaningful. We walked through her garden, we wandered to the playground. Bracken loved pointing to all the familiar things he saw in her garden that he recognized from ours. Talking with her is always quiet and calm. I enjoy hearing the stories of her life and what she has to share. She never seems in a hurry. In contrast, our life seems to go at a very fast pace. We rush and hurry more than we even realize sometimes. It's okay, it's the way that our life is right now. But it sure is nice to slow down a bit, to sit beneath the trees, enjoying that gentle breeze on a warm summer day.

6 years (& a garden statue tradition)

Yesterday was Jeff and I's six year wedding anniversary. We usually don't do too much to celebrate, we keep things pretty simple. Jeff is a great cook and usually makes a special meal for us. One year we bought a blueberry plant for the garden. We often stick with a plant or something for the garden because it makes us both very happy. Last year we decided that for our anniversary we wanted to get a concrete statue to put in our garden. We had been wanting to get some for years. Jeff had always wanted a St. Francis statue for the garden and a Buddha statue, but every time we looked at them they were so expensive and way out of our budget. Last year we saved up and I told him that maybe we could save up each year and get a garden statue each year for our anniversary. We both loved that idea and felt like a new anniversary tradition was born. Last year I called around to many different garden stores and places to compare prices for their garden statues. Jeff remembered this place he had seen before and I called them up. They had the best prices anywhere. We took a trip there, feeling pretty giddy to be getting a statue at last! When we arrived an elderly man took us on a tour around the place and told us stories. We thought he was great. There were so many statues that we loved and the prices were so incredible, much much lower than we had ever seen before, that we ended up coming home with more than just one statue. We came home with four! We hadn't expected that and spent a little more than we had intended, but we were super happy about it. When we got home, we placed a Buddha statue by the front pond that Jeff built. We put a St. Francis statue over by the grape arbor. We put a gnome statue over by some blueberry bushes (and an antique wagon wheel our friend gave us.) And then we put a chicken statue over by the chicken yard. Yeah, I know, I'm cracking up about that one too. I never thought we would have a concrete chicken in our yard, but Bracken fell in love with it and it was so inexpensive. We all decided that it needed to come home with us. I took all of these pictures a year ago. I intended to write about the garden statues and never did. Yesterday I searched through my pictures from last July and had so much fun looking through these. Bracken was so happy with the statues, he would go and hug them regularly. When we arrive home the pond is one of the first things we see when we pull up the driveway and many times Bracken says "Hi Buddha!" I love seeing how each area has changed since a year has passed. Jeff and I both have wanted to create a garden over the years that feels like a retreat, a sacred space. The garden statues really added to that for us and helped us set the intention in each space. The spot where Buddha is, by the pond, feels peaceful and meditative. There's a bench to sit on where you can watch the water. The spot by the gnome feels jolly and cozy somehow. A little garden nook that always makes me smile when I pass it. The chicken statue welcomes you at the entrance to the chicken yard. The chickens are an important part of our place here and it seems fitting they have their own special statue. The spot that has changed the most over the past year is the spot where St. Francis is. He stands by the grape arbor that leads to the back garden and right by the chicken coop. The cold frame along the front of the coop has been changed since then, so the area feels a bit more open around there. The grapes now reach the top of the arbor and the roof of the chicken coop, creating a grape jungle behind St. Francis. We placed our bee water right next to him, which we fill with fresh water most days. Then we started what we call a "nature altar" right in front of him. We sometimes place feathers, snail shells, and any other cool nature things that we find there. Bracken likes to pick flowers and put them there too. We put fresh lavender in his arms once in awhile. And then this year some flowers popped up right next to him and it felt so fitting. This week I planted some more flowers around him. Of all the spots in the garden, that one is one of my favorites. It's a part of the yard that I particularly like, even more so now. 

This year Jeff and I decided to go back to the statuary place and pick out another statue for the garden to celebrate our anniversary. We had one in mind and planned on keeping ourselves more in check this year, to come home with only one. When we got there, the place was closed. Darn! If I remember correctly, the man who ran it was in his nineties and I didn't know how much longer he would be running the store. I felt even more grateful that we had gone last year while it was still open. We changed our plan of celebration this year. Jeff bought us some special steaks that we normally would not ever buy. And then we stopped by a nursery and bought a canadice grape (a red seedless variety.) We have a few grape plants that don't produce and have been pulling them up, wanting to replace them. At the nursery, we mentioned the statuary and he said that he was able to go to the close out sale. I guess the man who ran the statuary was finally ready to retire. Apparently the close out sale was packed and the deals were unreal. Too bad we missed it. But the man at the nursery said he finds many of his garden statues on Craigslist. Perhaps I'll look there next year. But this year we celebrated with some incredibly delicious steaks and a grape to plant in our garden. We were mighty happy with that.