Gratitude for homebirth and midwives

 Today is International Day of the Midwife and I am feeling deeply grateful for homebirth and midwives.

I cannot imagine a better setting for birth than in your own home, where you can create the peaceful environment that you want.

Before the birth, our midwife, Anita, asked if we would like the midwives in attendance to take pictures during the birth. I said yes. They took so many beautiful pictures that we will always treasure. What a gift to look through them, in awe of the whole experience.

 

Jeff's constant support and love, always by my side.

 Deep "in the zone" in the birthing tub.

I was surprised when I saw this picture where I was smiling at the camera during labor. 

 We were feeling so much in that moment.

Seeing the pictures of Bracken's eyes as he was first entering the world was powerful. Seeing Jeff's hands catching him and the way Bracken looked up at Jeff and deep into his eyes, was so touching. When Bracken was first born, he looked like a little Native American papoose to me because his hair and skin were so dark. Seeing these photos reminded me of things I had forgotten about the birth. It reminded me of singing chants in the garden that our friend had taught me and how much I loved singing during labor.
 Many songs I made up, but here are a few I was taught:

I am opening up

In sweet surrender

To the luminous love-light of the One

I am opeeeeniiiing

I am o-o-peeenniiiing

I am opening up 

In sweet surrender

To the luminous love-light of the One

and

The river is flowing

flowing and growing

The river is flowing 

down to the sea

Mother, carry me

Your child I will always be

Sister, carry me

down to the sea

(This last one I also changed the lyrics into a goat milking song one summer, which was fun to sing while milking.)

~

On this day and every day, thank you to midwives everywhere!
And thank you to our midwives- Anita, Janelle and Heather (who were at the birth) and Carla (who was not able to make it.) Being surrounded by your love and care was a gift- throughout the pregnancy, during the birth, and after. I will always be grateful, bless you all.

To anyone in the local area who is looking for a midwife (or will be at some point),
I highly recommend Sacred Waters Birthing Center , where we received heart-based, intuitive care.  

~

Looking back on Bracken's birth, one thing is for sure- I will never look at that couch the same way again!

Visitors after birth

Okay, this is written for all you new mamas. If you are expecting your first baby soon, you might consider reading this before the arrival.
After the birth you are going to be exhausted, probably more than you've ever been in your life. You are going to need a lot of help. You will need help from someone you completely trust with all of your being. Complete trust is so important because you are so open at this time. (My husband Jeff was that person for me.) You need all of your time, energy, and focus to be on your sweet baby and healing.
Don't let anyone visit until you are ready. Go back and read that sentence again. Most likely you will feel pressured by some people and if you start feeling "guilty" you might be tempted to put their desires before your own needs. Don't! Many people are used to hospital births where everyone comes rushing into the room the moment the baby is born. This can be overwhelming to mother and baby. If you are having a homebirth and cherish your privacy, then give yourself as much time as you need. And if you have a hospital birth, you can still take time when you are home until you have visitors come. People who truly love you will understand that you need space and time and they will wait until you are ready. Take all the time you need. Rest and regenerate. Get in tune with your baby. Soak up this magical time. This is the time when you'll be getting into a new flow together. You might need a lot of focus to get breastfeeding going well. And you need all the sleep you can get. You can't sleep when you're socializing. And you can't focus one hundred percent of your attention on your baby and their needs while socializing either. Visitors can be a distraction from this vital bonding time.

When you are ready for a few visitors, make your needs and boundaries known before they come over. You might still want to be alone with your baby, but need some help around the house. That's fine. Make that known to your visitors. They can even leave meals on the doorstep until you are ready. When you are ready for visitors to come in, let them know what you need help with. What you don't need are visitors who don't care about your needs at all, but just come in and snatch up the baby without asking. Then they expect you to do the housework. This won't do. Trying to politely hint that you want your baby back won't work, because they are solely focused on their intense desire to hold your baby. Are they thinking about what's best for mother and baby? Nope. Are they loving and adoring your baby? No. Intense desire is not sharing love. They are thinking about what they want, that's it. And that's exactly why I'm writing this blog post. After the birth, you are more fragile and have more need than ever to be around people whom you completely trust. You need the type of visitors who love you, adore you, and cherish you. (And this is what your baby needs too!) Who are in tune with your needs and ask you how they can help you. The type of visitors who sweep the floors, do the dishes, bring you food, do the laundry, rub your feet and are gentle and respectful. If you freely offer them to hold your baby because it feels good in your heart, then it is a sacred gift they cherish. But if you don't, they are more than content to just help out. What you don't need are the visitors who act entitled and hold your baby with a death grip while you feel like bursting out crying. Or who mope if you don't let them. These visitors are missing the point and missing out on the joy of the atmosphere. And you will be too exhausted to want to deal with this kind of energy at all.
There are some people in the world who don't feel like passing their babies around like footballs. As a new mother, so many people are going to give you un-asked advice about parenting and be judgmental about your choices. They might try to make you feel guilty or "weird" if you set a boundary or express a need that is not convenient for them. All I can say is- you are in tune with your baby like no one else in the world is. Trust your heart. Trust your intuition. If you don't feel like having someone hold your baby, then don't. Your baby's needs and your own are more important than pleasing others. Some people will say that a baby can express if they don't want to be held by someone by crying. I've learned from experience that babies sometimes cry after the fact. Babies are sensitive. And they express their needs in different ways. Since they can not speak the same language verbally and tell you what they need, they rely on you completely to "tune in" to them through your intuition and honor what they need. Your baby needs you to trust your intuition and give them what they need, even if it makes others angry. Which means you need to be strong. You need to be willing to trust your heart even if a room full of people think you're crazy. You need to have the courage to walk your own path. And you don't need to explain why you make any of the choices you do, unless you want to.
And if someone doesn't let you hold their baby- don't take it personal. The mother could completely love, adore and trust you, but the time doesn't feel right. A mother needs to be in tune with her baby at all times- to feed them, change them, and care for them. If the environment is new she might want to hold the baby close as the baby gets acclimated. The mother is tuning into so many things no one else is aware of. So trust her to do what she feels is best. And be heartfelt and respectful.
Some say that gestation is longer than nine months and babies still need to be close to their mothers for a long time after. Yes, mothers and babies need to be together, feeling each other's heartbeats and forming a soul bond that will last a lifetime.

A turtle without a shell- Part 2

 

I was so happy to hear your comments about the previous blog post. I know I have said this many times, but your comments delight me so much! I feel surrounded by such a loving support system- thanks to you all!

I felt there was more to address, so I decided to write a part 2. (If you missed Part 1, you can read it here: A turtle without a shell- Energetic changes after birth )

Okay, so we've talked about the energetic changes after birth- now what to do about it?

What are some ways you can care for yourself during this transformational time? 

I wanted to share some tools that I've found helpful in my life- because I need the constant reminder and I felt some of you might find it helpful also. (These tools are not just for after birth, but are great -and essential- for our whole lives.) 

CARING FOR YOURSELF AFTER BIRTH (& ALWAYS)

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1) Take as much time as you need away from the world

I'm grateful that our midwife told us "not to let anyone visit before we were ready." That was some great advice.

We are all a mix of extrovert and introvert. Each person needs a unique balance of alone time and social time, and it's constantly changing. After the birth is an important time to honor this need and it's natural and healthy for mothers and babies to retreat for awhile. (Many other cultures understand this need more than ours does.) You know in your heart what your own balance is. Trust that. And go with the flow as it changes. 

I tend to need a lot of alone time- when I get as much as I need, I love being around people. Alone time is essential for connecting with yourself and tuning inward. And when you are ready to be social again, connecting with the people who truly support you will give you added strength, laughter and a happy heart.

2) Ask for help

 From your family and friends, and also from the Universe. At this time when you are giving, giving to your new baby- is a time to accept support. If you are used to being stubborn and wanting to do everything by yourself (speaking from experience) then this is a great time to learn to let others do things for you while you are healing from the birth, and adoring and caring for your baby. Visitors who help out are really the kind you need after birth. 

Praying is another good way to ask for help. I pray to my guides and the angels every day and am continually delighted by the support, solutions, and inspiration they bring. Remember gratitude- be grateful for the help you receive and for all the blessings in your life.

3) Take good care of your temple 

 Your body is your temple. Love, appreciate, and care for this sacred gift you've been given. Your body will need extra love and care after the birth. 

Your body has many needs to thrive- movement, fresh air, time in nature, deep breathing, sunshine... and more. (movement will be kept to a minimum during healing, but you get the idea.)

I've listed a few more below.

-Drink plenty of water

 I don't know about you, but I have never been so thirsty in my life as when I started breastfeeding Bracken. I've heard it said that our Spirits are like batteries and water is how we recharge them. So let's recharge our Spirits! How do you know how much water to drink? Drink whenever you're thirsty seems a good way to go to me.

-Eat real, whole, nutrient-dense foods

Good food is a must while breastfeeding a baby and healing after birth. (And always!) Each body is unique. Eat the foods that make you feel deeply nourished and grounded. I've experimented with lots of different diets and types of food over the years and I've learned a lot about what my body likes. I learned from experience that my particular body does not thrive on a vegetarian or vegan diet because I got very ill when I did this. I feel best when I eat whole foods close to their natural state. I'm passionate about the Weston A. Price diet because it resonates with me and my body loves it. (Weston A. Price was a dentist who traveled the world studying what healthy indigenous people ate. I am incredibly passionate about diet and nutrition and could write about this topic for days, but I'll save it for another blog post. In the meantime, if you are interested and would like to learn more feel free to check out this website: Weston A. Price Foundation )

Listen closely to your body. It will tell you what it needs.

-Sleep as much as you can

Right after Bracken's birth I received messages from several different women- all saying the same thing: "Sleep when baby sleeps!" What good advice this is! I was stubborn at first and tried to push through sleepiness to get things done. Eventually I realized their wisdom. I learned that I was much more productive if I allowed myself a nap. Other things can wait. Sleep is essential. You need to be rested to care for yourself and your baby. I have always liked sleep a lot. Now I appreciate it more than ever.

Lately I have not been taking naps, but have been going to bed super early instead (so I can take advantage of Bracken's first stretch of sleep of the night.) But right after the birth his stretches of sleep were not long so I had to get what sleep I could. 

5) Be gentle on yourself

Both physically and in other ways. Don't push it after the birth. Take it easy and rest as long as you can. Our midwife was so good about reminding me about this. And thanks to my wonderful husband Jeff, I had a good resting period after the birth. The other way to be gentle on yourself is to embrace the changes within yourself lovingly- in other words- don't be hard on yourself.

Allow yourself to feel the way you do about everything without judging it. Don't censor, over-think, or "beat yourself up" for feeling the way you do. Just notice, be aware of, and listen. Then give yourself what you need without guilt (and without worrying about other's reactions.) You might feel differently than you have before. You might need to 

Set healthy boundaries

Communicate openly and honestly

.... who knows what your needs will be? Be loving to yourself by doing whatever you need to care for your Spirit. Let your heart tell you what you need and leave your brain out of it.

6) Keep your energy clear

Here is a blog post I wrote about this topic, with some of my favorite ways for doing that.

Clearing the Energy

Some things on the list might be repeated here. But hearing a message more than once will just make it sink in more, right?

7) Seize the opportunity

of this life changing event, to change other aspects of your life as well. Are there old habits you need to let go of that no longer serve you? It's a prime time to create new ones! The healthier and happier you are as a person- the better parent you'll be. Enjoy this magical time for the incredible gift it is. This is an opportunity to grow your soul. This is an opportunity to open your heart more than you've ever felt before. This is an opportunity to revel in baby bliss. Let the world pass by for awhile. You will only get to experience this time with your baby once. Being in the moment is where the treasure is. 

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What ways have you found helpful for caring  for yourself after birth?

(Or someone close to you. We love to hear from everyone.)

Please share your comments below, I'd love to hear!

All My Love, 

Mama Taryn

A turtle without a shell- Energetic changes after birth

 I have felt so many changes within myself since Bracken's birth. Changes that today's world doesn't always have a language for. I feel inspired to write about them, but first, let me back up a little to give a bigger picture of these changes.
I've always been aware, open and "sensitive" throughout my life, which I feel we all naturally are, but that most people automatically block it early on. My family knows that in my teenage years I had a pretty tough time. I felt painfully aware of too many things so I tried to numb myself with alcohol and became self destructive. I didn't understand what I was feeling and I didn't have a language to express it or anyone around who I felt understood what I was going through. I just didn't feel like I "fit in" anywhere. I felt completely out of place and even though I loved my family and knew they loved me, I felt a deep and painful loneliness. During that really dark time in my life, my spirit came through. It started slowly leading the way. And I experienced miracles. My guardian angel saved me on many occasions. I experienced things that I didn't feel like I could share. I saw spirits and angels (but since I was in such a bad place I mostly tuned in to negative things, which scared me.) I was overly tuned in to so many people that it was overwhelming. I felt stuck in an icky muck- a world of black and white. But my spirit woke me up and gravitated me towards what I needed to heal. I found a few books that really clicked and began giving me a little bit of a language and understanding. I realized that if I kept making my choices based on what others wanted for me, that I was going to live my life being a miserable person. So I followed my heart to Oregon. I didn't have any plans or really knew what I wanted or what I was doing. I just went anyway because my heart told me to and it was the only thing that was making any sense to me.
I met Jeff. (I share some of this story in a previous blog post- A Real Life Love Story .) The very first night I met him- he understood me to my very soul without me having to say a word. But I said a lot of words anyway because I had a lifetime of talking I needed to do and finally someone to talk to who knew just what I meant. We were like two magnets and it didn't take long before I moved in with him because we simply couldn't be apart. I began healing in a miraculous way. Being in the country and having so much alone time was exactly what my soul needed to heal. I soaked up the trees, the sky, the sun and the joy came into my life in waves. I began loving myself and taking good care of myself. Eating nourishing, whole, real food that made me feel better and better all the time. I felt more energetic. My thoughts felt clearer. I felt lighter. I laughed easier. I felt more like myself than I ever had before. Jeff and I danced and sang together, it felt like I was truly living life for the first time. The world opened up and was bursting with bright color. I began experiencing more angels and earth spirits instead of the muck I was tuning into before. He filled that hole of loneliness with pure, bright love and I was loving every minute.
I had very little contact with the outside world for awhile because I felt like I needed to be in a cocoon to heal. But as I was loving towards myself and took care of myself, my aura became strong, healthy, and bright. And I became ready to re-emerge into the world a little. We started selling our art at the market and enjoyed getting to know new people once a week. Then we could retreat back into the woods. Then I joined facebook and started reconnecting with people I loved. I started a blog and started sharing my heart and soul with the world. It sometimes felt scary to share so much of myself when I felt there might be people who were judgmental of me and didn't understand. And yes, there were some of those people. But there were also people who were loving and supportive and I made so many new and wonderful friends and connections. And as I got healthier and my heart continued to open more, I began caring less about what other people thought. I was even more aware than I ever used to be, but I had built up the natural protection that allowed me to handle that awareness- my aura. I focused on gratitude, my spirit came through more strongly and I was learning so much about what my needs were and what I needed to do to take care of myself.
When I was pregnant with Bracken (and for a long time prior) I took really good care of myself. Because of this care, I had a wonderful pregnancy and felt great. I was energetic, joyful, and was learning many lessons to prepare me to be a mother. His birth was a powerful, life-changing, transforming, empowering, magical experience and I learned a lot. (I wrote about his birth here: Bracken's Birth .) My energy centers opened and I could feel my energy body in a way I'd never experienced before. My aura felt different. It felt like it included both Bracken and I. I needed him near me all the time and it was painful if he was away. I felt like I had an energetic hole in my belly. I felt exhausted and more vulnerable than usual. My aura didn't feel as strong so I didn't feel I had as much protection. I knew I needed to be completely away from the world for awhile. I shared the news with my parents, but then I was hardly on the phone at all. I don't even know how long it was before I turned the computer on again. Time was different.
Jeff completely took care of our every need. We looked at Bracken with tears in our eyes because we were so in awe. The three of us were wrapped up in love, snuggled together in bliss. It felt exactly as it was meant to be. It gave us time to just enjoy Bracken and I didn't need to worry about a thinner aura because I was safely tucked away in our nest. I looked around and felt like I comfortably "fit in" for the first time. I had finally found my "place" in life, my purpose, where I felt an immense feeling of belonging. This realization sunk in and felt so good to my very bones.
We got acclimated to the world slowly. A few family visitors. A few friends. Small groups, low key. Outings to the midwives. Trips to town where Jeff and I took turns staying in the car with Bracken and running into stores. Then Holiday Market (where we sell our art.) I would nurse Bracken under his wool blanket and then he would fall asleep (and go back and forth for most of the day.) We did this for most of the market days, so he would only have short periods to be awake and experience market (without having stimulus overload for such a small baby.) Plus, if he was out watching everything- he wouldn't sleep. We also carried him on our bellies in the Ergo Carrier.
During pregnancy your senses tend to be heightened. Smell and taste were definitely heightened for me, and I'm sure other senses were too. Since the birth I've also experienced heightened senses. And I feel even more aware of the energies around me. But my aura has not quite built back up yet to protect me so I feel all of these things strongly within my body. I have felt a little too open to the world. A great way to describe it is like a turtle without a shell. I've felt a little more quiet and subdued, a little less social. I'm still building my shell back up. It seems like all of a mother's energy is being poured into her baby and that leaves less energy for other things. When talking to Jeff about the energetic changes after birth he brought up a great point. He said that it allows mothers to be "wide open" so that they can experience the world from the perspective of their baby. Wow. That felt like an epiphany for me. These changes in mothers make it so mothers naturally retreat for awhile after the birth, which is what is best for mother and baby. It makes mothers more discerning about the energies they surround themselves with because they are so much more sensitive to everything, which protects their baby. Babies are so completely wide open to everything, they rely on their caretakers for complete protection. Perhaps these energetic changes after birth are nature's way of helping mothers care for their babies in the best possible way.

I am asking so many questions now and am so curious about the energetic changes during pregnancy, birth, and after and how it all works.
What are your experiences with this? I would love to hear them!

Placenta Encapsulation

The first time I ever really gave the placenta any thought was when I watched our goat Bree give birth. It was the first birth I had ever watched. Birth had never been a big part of my life before then. Experiencing it for the first time, I was completely fascinated. 

Bree had triplets with her first kidding, licked them clean, and as soon as she passed the placenta- she started eating it. No one had told her to do this. She just knew. 

I watched her silently as the rays of morning light shone down on her and her babies. Everything about birth was overwhelmingly beautiful to me, even watching her eat her placenta off the fresh, golden straw. 

Last spring, when she gave birth for the second time (that time twins), she ate her placenta again. She focused on what she was doing intently, like it was the most important thing in the world. I watched her devour every last speck of it and I thought 'This is one wise mama. I would be wise to follow her example.'

Animals eat their placenta after birth. Animals continue to follow wisdom that humans have lost. I am sure indigenous people knew the benefits of eating the placenta after birth and somewhere along the line people forgot. We've become far removed from our roots in many ways, but when we observe nature and get back in tune with it we can connect with that wisdom once again.

After Bracken's birth, my placenta went in our refrigerator. When we woke up the next morning, Jeff took the bowl of blood from the birth and buried it by the roots of our family blueberry plant. Then he took the placenta out of the fridge, chopped it up, steamed it, and put it in our food dehydrator. When it was completely dry, he pulverized it in our mixer and put it in capsules. He brought me a small glass container of these and set them next to the bed. 

I took them all and felt their healing magic on my body. Each day I took however many I felt I needed. I wasn't worried about taking too many because animals eat the whole thing in one go. 

I was grateful for the nourishment it gave Bracken throughout the pregnancy, then the nourishment it gave both of us after the birth, and the healing it gave me. I was grateful to have a husband who happily prepared it for us. Jeff felt the same way about the importance of the placenta that I did and he didn't want to pay someone else to encapsulate it for us (they charge a lot.) 

There is a lot of information on the benefits of placenta encapsulation if you are curious about it. I didn't need to be told all the reasons for doing it because I just knew. I knew that it felt right to me and I followed that feeling. I am very glad I did.

To all you pregnant mamas out there- have you ever thought about encapsulating your placenta after the birth?

I highly encourage it!

Bracken's Birth

 On Tuesday October 12, I had an appointment in Eugene with our midwife Anita. I told her how I was feeling inward and how I wasn't wanting to hear about most other's birth experiences because people were telling me fearful things I didn't want to hear and didn't feel would benefit my experience. I wanted my birth experience to be what it would be, not what someone told me it would be. I didn't want much outside influence at the time because I knew how our society has so much fear about birth and I knew it could be different.
I told Anita about a hawk that had been circling our house for days. We felt like it was welcoming the coming baby. When I left, we made an appointment for the following week, but Anita didn't think I'd need it. She said she had a feeling that the baby was coming soon, that I'd be her next mama at the birthing center to give birth. My due date was October 22.

 When I got home from the appointment I had the strong urge to clean, which was pretty normal with all my nesting tendencies, but I felt like I had to do it all right then- that it couldn't wait till the next day. I had a burst of energy and was going all over the house doing one thing after another. I washed a load of laundry and hung it to dry by the woodstove. Started soaking pinto beans, brown rice, wild rice and almonds in the kitchen. Swept the downstairs. Tidied up. Did dishes. Washed countertops. Then I gathered our beeswax candles and put them on a table in the living room where I wanted to have them lit during the birth. I took Anita's phone number and put it up on the fridge.
My mom, Julie, and sister, Samantha, both called me and I talked to them on my headset while I worked around the house. My mom said she had a feeling that it was the last time she'd talk to me before the baby was born.
Jeff got the urge to start setting up the birthing tub. I helped him for a little while and then started getting tired and headed upstairs to go to bed. I took a bath before bed and noticed my belly started feeling hard. I wrote in the baby journal about the midwife appointment and then wrote my 10 things in my journal. (Every night I write 10 things I'm grateful for from that day.) As I was finishing that, Jeff called upstairs and told me he had just written a blog post and to check it out. So I read his blog post about being ready for the baby to come (you can read it here: New Blessing Upon Us) and it touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Then I turned off all the lights and was ready for a blissful sleep. Jeff hadn't come to bed yet. He was feeling very inspired and decided to carve in his workshop for awhile before coming up to bed. I could hear his carving tool humming downstairs.
Sleep didn't come, but a new sensation did. That night, Jeff and I had decided to call contractions "waves." So I layed in bed, feeling the very first waves. They started around 10 pm. I kept trying to sleep, expecting the strange new feeling to go away, but it just continued. They felt like light pressures coming every 5 to 10 minutes. I wanted to tell Jeff what was happening, but I didn't want to move. Eventually I went downstairs (around 10:45 -11ish), poked my head in his shop and told him I was feeling kinda funny. I think I told him something felt "different." We both got excited and Jeff finished getting the birthing tub ready and then started filling it up with warm water. I lit a bunch of beeswax candles (one of my favorite smells in the world) and put on some relaxing music. The lights were dim and the world was quiet. Jeff took a picture of me standing in front of the glowing candles so we would have one more to remember my pregnant belly. I wanted the house in order and everything to be just so. I wanted it to be quiet and peaceful. We were creating a sacred space.
We knew Anita would want to know how far apart the waves were so we started keeping track (10:55...10:58..11...11:02...11:04...11:07...11:09...11:15....) They started out lasting about 30 seconds. After awhile (around 11:30 pm) I called our midwife Anita and told her what was happening. She asked how far apart the waves were and I told her a few minutes. She said to try to get some sleep and rest as much as possible because I was going to need the energy for later. She said to call her as soon as anything changed. Then Jeff and I stopped keeping track of the waves because it felt better to focus on other things and not pay attention to them overly much. We decided we wanted to get the tub all ready before we rested.
The waves continued to get more intense and I got in the birthing tub while Jeff was filling it up (around 12:25 am.) I would put my toe up to the hose and tell him when the water was getting cold. Then he would shut the hose off and let the water heater heat back up. He also heated water on the stove and poured it in. He had gone out to the garden and picked a bunch of yellow nasturtium flowers and put them in. I remember sitting in the tub, listening to the music and watching the flowers float and spin around in the water. Then I would close my eyes and relax into the waves. I loved being in the water, it made the waves so much more comfortable.
A little before 1 am, Jeff brought me some soup. The waves started lasting for about a minute.
Eventually I was getting tired and decided to take Anita's advice and try to get some rest. I headed upstairs to bed (somewhere between 1-2 am.) Jeff stayed downstairs to finish filling the tub up with water because it had to be full before he could turn the heater on, that would keep the water at a constant temperature. I layed in bed, but couldn't fall asleep. Then Jeff came up and fell fast asleep. I was so glad he was getting some rest. The waves were feeling more intense so I went into the bathroom, shut the door (so it wouldn't wake Jeff up) and got into the bathtub. I felt so much more comfortable when I was in the water. Eventually I got back into bed, but every time I started falling asleep, a wave would wake me up. I got back in the bathtub.
In the morning, we came downstairs and Jeff made us a hearty breakfast. I knew I needed lots of nourishment to give me energy. Jeff went down to milk the goats by himself. When he came back in, I made kefir with the milk. I did a few other things around the house, but not much because I wanted to conserve my energy for the birth and not use it doing things around the house. Then I got in the birthing tub. The heater had kept it nice and warm from the night before. I wanted to be in the water all the time.
I called Anita to give her an update (a little before 10 am.) I told her how much I liked being in the water. She was feeling that the water was slowing down my labor and said that I should try to save it for the end for a "special treat." That was the last thing I wanted to hear, but I trusted her and felt she was probably right.
It was a sunny, warm, gorgeous day outside so Jeff and I went out into the garden. We layed on a blanket and soaked up the sun. I had always dreamed of being in labor outside, but thought the time of year when the baby was due would be too cold and possibly rainy. I felt so grateful to be able to be outside. I decided to stay in the garden as long as I could because I wasn't so tempted to get in the water when I was out there. I started to get too hot in the sun so I sprayed myself with the hose and then we moved the blanket underneath the apple tree. Jeff went in to make us some food and I stayed out on the blanket and felt the waves wash over me. Jeff brought out lunch and we ate together. Then he went back inside.
The sun shifted and started shining under the apple tree and I got too hot again so I moved to a shady spot by the lavender bed. I felt better, the waves felt better and everything seemed to feel better being outside in nature. The hawk began calling to me. The same hawk that had been circling our house every day. I felt comforted by it's presence.
Laying on the blanket, nature gave me a gift and taught me a lesson. While I was having a wave, a fly and an ant started to crawl on me. My instinct was to brush them off like I always do. My feeling told me to leave them. A funny thing happened- my brain got distracted by the sensation of the bugs crawling on my skin and focused on that rather than the waves. It made the waves not feel as overwhelming and intense. The brain can only focus on so many things at once. This felt like an epiphany. So I embraced the bugs crawling on me and it helped. It was the first time I felt grateful for the feeling of a bug crawling on me rather than annoyed.
Jeff called out to me that Anita was on the phone. I went inside briefly and talked to her around 2 pm. She felt like something was holding me back and asked me what it was. I told her that I was okay with everything that had happened so far, but I was afraid of what it was going to be like, of what was to come. My brain was afraid, but my body told me to relax and trust. My body said it would be fine every step of the way. To be in the present and take it as it comes. I remember Anita saying beautiful things to me, but I don't remember what they were anymore. Something about fear and love. Be in love.
I went back out to the garden. After awhile, I told Jeff that he could tell Anita she could start slowly making her way to our place. I felt that by the time they got here I would be ready for them (around 3:30 pm.) They said they'd leave in about an hour (and then it was an hour drive to our place.) In the garden, I found that if I made deep, grounding, rumbling sounds that it helped during waves. The shade felt refreshing and cool. Then the sun shifted and I was getting hot again. This time I embraced it and the warmth of the afternoon sun seemed to relax my muscles and waves a little. I was laying on my side, watching the activity of life around me. In between each wave, I reveled in the feeling of bliss because my body felt so relaxed. I focused on feeling good at these times. I felt so grateful for the deep feeling of peace that would permeate my being. Then I was back in the shade and eventually I got chilly and decided to head back inside.
I layed on my side on the couch. I knew Anita was coming soon with the two other midwives. I kept feeling like I had to go to the bathroom so I would go from there back to the couch. Soon the waves on the couch were feeling too intense for me so I got in the birthing tub. I was afraid that Anita would be upset that I was in the water, but I felt like I needed to. I got in a comfortable position in the tub. The woodstove was going. Candles were lit. The gentle guitar music was playing. I went deep into the waves, relaxing far into them. This is a powerful part of the birth where I was really focused. I was sensitive to noises and I wanted it to be calm. Jeff sat in a chair in the living room and was eating frozen pineapple with a spoon. It was too loud for me and I asked him to eat it in the other room (which we laughed about and thought was pretty funny later.) I was sensitive to light also and liked the lighting to be dim.
I could see the light changing outside. Heard the dogs bark and Anita's car pull up (around 5:30 pm.) Anita and the two other midwives- Janelle and Heather, came in through the back door, brought their supplies in and gathered in the kitchen. I was in the living room with my eyes closed. I appreciated them giving me the privacy and space I needed at the time. Anita would come in quietly and check on me. She would have me bring my belly to the surface of the water and check the baby's heartbeat between waves every so often. Her presence felt soothing. The waves were bigger than my physical body. I felt like I was feeling them around me, in a larger invisible body around mine. Slowly, I started feeling like pushing. Jeff had a chair pulled up next to the birthing tub and was constantly by my side. I loved him being there.
Jeff brought me water and put a cool cloth on my head. I started feeling too hot. Anita could tell from baby's heartbeat that baby was overheated and she had me get out the tub to cool down a little. I went to the bathroom because I felt like I had to go again. I had some waves on the toilet, but when Anita checked baby's heartbeat she could tell that baby didn't like that position. So we went back into the living room and I layed on my side on the couch. She could tell from the heartbeat that baby liked that position.
Jeff brought me some cold goat's milk kefir and it gave me some energy.  At one point when I was pushing, Anita had me reach in and feel the baby's head. It was amazing. The part of pushing baby out (on dry land) was by far the most intense part of the labor. I prayed to the Angels for help all throughout the birth and especially during that time. We used a lot of different positions (side on the couch, knees on the ground with arms on the couch, squatting with people helping support me- to name a few.) At this point I was surrounded by everyone. They brought me ice, water, cool cloths and helped support me. I held Jeff's hand through every wave and sometimes Anita's also.
There were things that popped into my head- fears that other people had told me about birth. It made me realize the power of words and how harmful or healing they can be. I appreciated Anita's influence throughout my pregnancy and birth because she used her words for healing and they had a positive impact on me. 
I had to ride the waves and the momentum would help push the baby out. Each time I wasn't able to push for very long. Anita said to "put some juice" into it and push harder and longer because the head was just moving back and forth and not making much progress. I felt like my body was doing the pushing and I wasn't in control at all. My body was going it's own pace and I didn't feel like I could hurry things up much. At this point I was incredibly exhausted and hadn't slept in a very long time. Everyone around me was starting to seem a little concerned. I knew in my heart that the baby was safe and was going to be fine, but I was so tired I didn't know how I would have the energy to push the baby out. I kept praying to the Angels.
Anita had asked me earlier if my water had broke, I had been in the water a lot so I wasn't sure. Then Anita saw my water bulging so she knew it hadn't broke and she reached in and broke my water. Then she put some olive oil on me to help lubricate. I put my arms around Jeff's neck and squatted while he made deep growling sounds. It helped me push harder. Heather had an inspiration for a new position to try. She brought in a chair from the kitchen and had me put one leg up on the chair, one leg on the ground and squat, while Jeff helped support me. I remember this position as working miracles and was so grateful the idea came to her. It seemed like it dislodged the baby's head. The baby's head started coming out and I started really pushing. Anita had me get on my side on the couch to push the baby out. The baby came right out into Jeff's arms. I looked down at the head, shoulders and upper body that were out and said "You're almost out baby." What I saw was the most beautiful and miraculous thing I had ever seen in my life. The baby's eyes were open and aware and looking at everybody. The legs were still inside of me, but I knew at that moment that it was a boy. I pushed him the rest of the way out and Jeff asked if it was a boy or a girl. I looked. A boy!
Bracken Lee Little Hawk Wilson was born on October 14 at 1:08 am.  6 pounds 13 ounces. Healthy, happy, beautiful. (At first we named him Bracken Lee Wilson, but Jeff had the inspiration for Little Hawk that we added later. I love the way it flows and seems to have a musical quality.)
It was about a 27 hour labor. I pushed for 6 to 7 hours (Anita told me.) It didn't seem that long to me. I was in an altered state.
They layed Bracken on my chest and Jeff and I loved him up. We were in awe. We wondered if we were dreaming.
They took some blood from the cord to test Bracken's blood type. Then I passed the placenta, which was "double wrapped" (it had two layers.) Then Anita gave me some stitches because I tore a little bit. Jeff cut the cord. They took some blood out of my arm to see if Bracken and I's blood had mixed (it didn't.)
After that I was so relieved. The birth was over, I passed the placenta, the stitches were over and the needle was over. Then it was the fun part- being with Bracken.
One of the midwives, Heather, was pregnant and was having waves. I didn't know this until the birth was over. I guess as soon as she came to our house she started having them. I was amazed that she was helping support me during positions and taking care of me throughout the birth while she was in labor herself! The waves stopped so she didn't have the baby that night, but I recently heard she had a baby girl.
I was so grateful to Jeff, Anita, Heather and Janelle for their love and support throughout the birth. I kept thanking them and praising them, calling them all Angels. I felt blessed to have them all there. Jeff felt like a solid rock of love and support throughout the entire birth. He helped me more than I could ever express.
Then all the midwives went home. Bracken slept on my chest and we spent the night on the couch where he was born. Jeff slept downstairs so he could be close to us. My heart felt so big full of love for my two favorite guys.

In the morning we woke up and realized it wasn't a dream. Bracken was real. Yes, life really was this beautiful.

Tying up loose ends...

We had our first home visit with our midwife, Anita, on Tuesday. She brought the birthing tub with her. It's a good feeling to have it at the house now. I'm 38 weeks pregnant. Anita asked if I was ready for baby to come. My answer was almost...

There were still a few things I was wanting to have done before baby's arrival. One of them was to make a belly cast, which Jeff and I did yesterday. It's something we will always treasure, to be able to look and see the way my belly looked right before baby came. 

Nesting has been going very well. There's been a lot of mopping, dusting, sweeping, window washing and even bathtub scrubbing happening around here. (If you haven't yet discovered it, I highly recommend Bon Ami scrub cleaner. My step mom told me about it and I've used it ever since. It's eco-friendly and gets your sinks, bathtubs, etc. the cleanest you've ever seen them!)

I've knitted lots of little baby hats for family and friends over the years. Now I am finally getting around to knitting a hat for our little one. A friend gifted us Alpaca Yarn and it's soo heavenly soft. I'm working on the top now, which is pointed like an elf's hat. 

I feel like we are weaving together all the final things before baby's arrival. I feel inward and quiet these days. I'm grateful for the rain that gives me an opportunity to get caught up indoors.

We've been freezing foods to have easy meals when baby's here. We're drying up two of our goats to make the milking routine easier too. Getting all the final herbs dried in the garden, last minute harvesting, more plants pulled up. Laundry caught up. Always more cleaning I want to do.

Tying up loose ends..

Our sweet baby is coming soon!

A Very Happy Pregnant Lady

 What makes for a very happy pregnant lady? 

Purple grapes with crunchy seeds of course! 

You all know about my most recent (and intense) pregnancy craving for this particular kind of grape. I scoured the farmer's market on Saturday and found some, but they just weren't the ones. (They were kind of bitter and just not what I was dreaming of, but I was still grateful I found some.) 

Wow, do I sound picky. :) 

Yesterday we talked to our neighbor where we have gotten Concord grapes in the past. He told us that the grapes were ripe and that his family had already picked their fill of all the grapes they would use. He invited us to come over and pick the rest. (and he loves to do trades with us, which is so wonderful.)

When we got there, we entered grape paradise! We were surrounded by giant clusters of sweet, juicy grapes. Every time we ate one, Jeff and I would look at each other with the look that says 'Can they really be THIS good?'  Yes, they can. 

Finally!! The grapes I had been dreaming of!! 

(I'm laughing about how many people I've probably talked about grapes to.)

Each time I eat one now, I feel like I'm eating a grape for the first time and my delight over it's incredible flavor happens all over again. The hard part is to not eat them all like a mad woman (pretty funny picture that creates.) This is one of the most intense cravings I've ever had. I feel like there is something in these grapes that I need. I cannot even tell you how good it feels to be getting my fill. 

We have plenty for fresh eating and today I froze a bunch. We love to eat frozen grapes for treats (something I've recently discovered.) Frozen grapes will be really convenient if I happen to get this craving not during the fall. 

I love hearing about pregnancy cravings. So ladies, tell me, what did you crave while you were pregnant? 

Baby Update

Our friend Lara took this picture of me when we were harvesting huckleberries in the woods on Wednesday. (If you look closely you might even see the tips of my fingers are dyed with huckleberries.)

I was feeling it was about time for another baby update on here. My, is this belly growing! :) 

This week I am 9 months pregnant (36 weeks.) The funny thing is, my due date is not until the middle of October. It's all kind of funny the way it's counted. 

I'm still feeling great. Daily life is going along just the same, with a few little changes here and there. I move the goats closer to me on the milking stand now when I milk them because it's harder for me to bend over very far to reach them. Last year at this time I would have been helping haul firewood, hay and all other sorts of things. No heavy lifting for me now, so that's another change. I'm still as active as I've always been (just a little slower hiking up the mountain.)

Baby dances around all the time and seems to be getting pretty big for this belly. I read that baby is gaining an ounce a day. Wow!

We are planning a waterbirth at home with our midwives and have been slowly getting things ready for it. (A hose for the tub and all those things.)

My most recent pregnancy craving is grapes. I'm craving the local, purple grapes with the crunchy seeds. There are several kinds around here that I love! I'm waiting for more grapes to ripen (they are late this year.)

We've been busy as ever and there's still so much I want to do for baby's arrival. One step at a time, we're getting there. 

It's amazing to think that soon we will be looking into this baby's eyes...... my heart soars at the thought.

8 months pregnant and growing!

Wow, 8 months pregnant already?! Amazing!

Been feeling great. Jeff and I are constantly entertained by watching my belly- baby is very active!

Yesterday we had an appointment with our midwife Anita. She put her ear to my belly and heard the baby's heartbeat. She showed Jeff a good spot to listen and he heard it too! Then she pressed her ear against my belly to listen again and she felt the baby's lungs moving against her cheek! She was absolutely delighted. She said it was the first time in all her years of midwifery that she had experienced that. The baby's lungs are practicing the movement right now before they actually start breathing. 

I've been craving more meat than usual. I'm grateful for all the grass-fed and pastured meats we've been enjoying from Deck Family Farm. I've also been eating lots of eggs from our ladies and goat's milk kefir from our gals. I make between a quart and a half & 2 quarts of kefir every day and Jeff and I drink it up in no time. My body has been craving the calcium (no wonder since baby has been growing bones.) I'm allergic to most dairy, but when I take our goat's milk and culture it into kefir, my body loves it! Hooray, because I sure need it! Another way I love to get the calcium my body is craving so intensely is by making bone broths. They are so nourishing and satisfying.

And we've been eating lots of vegetables from the garden and fruit from local farms. The kitchen is an abundant place right now and the pantry is beginning to get stocked for the winter, which is such a good feeling. 

How you liking all this good eatin' baby?

Cabbage Belly

Today I am 7 and 1/2 months pregnant (30 weeks.) We had an appointment with our midwife and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time!! (We chose to be patient, wait and use the old fashioned equipment. And today was the day when I got to hear it with the tool similar to a stethoscope.) It was amazing! I'm sure my face was ecstatic, I was so in awe of the sound. 

The baby now weighs as much as a 3 pound cabbage, which is ironic since last week Jeff  took these pictures of my belly next to some cabbages our neighbors grew. We got these pictures right before Jeff turned them into sauerkraut. 

I'm pretty sure my belly has grown since last week. It seems like it grows by the day.

So, what's new with baby? Baby is really active these days. Sometimes I can see "waves" go across my belly which reminds me of the ocean. I've been feeling really good. My nipples started leaking colostrum before I was 6 months pregnant and continue to do so from time to time. It happens the most when I'm sleeping. It makes me glad because it's a good sign that I will produce plenty of milk for this hungry baby. 

Below are some belly pictures from a few weeks ago. I need to get some updated belly pictures again. Phew, it's hard to keep up. :)

Corn on the Cob Baby

At 6 months pregnant, the baby is now as long as Corn on the Cob. These past few weeks, the baby has gone from a Spaghetti Squash to a Mango, and now to Corn on the Cob. 

The week before last we had an appointment with our midwives and Anita heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time.We were delighted.

My lifelong "innie" belly button is slowly transforming into an "outtie."

And what are my current cravings? 

Goat's milk! Goat's milk! Goat's milk!

Carrot Baby

Today I'm 5 months and 1 week pregnant (21 weeks.) 

Here's what this week's e-mail said:

 "Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long- the length of a carrot."

It also said that I may soon feel like the baby is practicing martial arts as their initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. Yes, that's exactly what it feels like- this is one active baby these days! It also said I might notice a pattern to the activity, which is true. 

I've been feeling really good. My biggest food craving lately is still- surprise- avocados. I have turned into an avocado fanatic and am in shock that I never paid them any attention (my entire life) until very recently. I want to eat avocados for every meal and I celebrate when I find them on sale at the store. I've also been craving raw aged goat cheddar cheese. The other night I made scrambled eggs for dinner with sauteed zucchini and topped it with shredded raw aged goat cheddar cheese and chunks of avocado. I cannot even tell you how good it tasted to me at the time. It was the first time I ever had avocado on scrambled eggs and it was delicious.

I'm also craving fresh fruit and our homemade goat's milk kefir (so excited to get goat's milk again soon!) I'm loving fresh foods and craving more fermented foods. So grateful that I've been enjoying food and eating so much throughout this pregnancy.

And it shows- this belly sure is getting big!

Banana Baby

5 months pregnant and the baby is now as long as a banana!

I look down at my belly- wow, the baby's that big in there?

It amazes me.

Tomato Baby

Speaking of babies, our baby is now the size of a large heirloom tomato. Since we don't have any of those ready in the garden yet, I took a picture of the seed packet from the brandywines we planted and look forward to enjoying. I get a weekly e-mail that tells me the size of our baby in terms of food, and I being a food lover, think it's fantastic! Whoever came up with that idea was genius- food makes the perfect visual to imagine baby's size each week! This week I'm 19 weeks pregnant (4 months and 3 weeks.) 

 So what's new? I've been feeling "flutters" or "hiccups." Wow, it is an amazing sensation to feel the baby moving inside me for the first time. Jeff has felt it too when he puts his hand on my belly. We are delighted. 

 Yesterday I had an appointment with our midwives Anita and Carla. Carla is in training right now, but we consider both of them to be our midwives. Both Anita and Carla are gifted in midwifery and have truly found their calling. They radiate so much love and peace it makes you feel completely relaxed in their presence. We feel so blessed to have their constant love and care. Yesterday was the first appointment Jeff didn't make it to. He had a lot of custom orders for our business, so he stayed home and worked in his shop. Even though we all missed Jeff's jolly presence, yesterday's appointment was wonderful. I was still buzzing with bliss from the baby goat that was born before I left. Anita, Carla and I had a wonderful soul connection, a deeply satisfying heart to heart. I feel so comfortable with them and feel like I can tell them anything, and I do.

People have been asking whether we know if it's a boy or a girl yet. We are not getting an ultrasound and are going to let it be a surprise. So we will know when the baby is born.

Oh, how I do love surprises!

Baby Update

Last week baby was the size of a turnip. 

This week, at 4 and 1/2 months, baby is the size of a bell pepper.

The funny thing is that foods I craved in the beginning of my pregnancy- like bananas and potatoes- now I have no interest in them. 

But one thing hasn't changed, I'm still hungry all the time. :)

May Belly

Nesting

People have been asking me if I've been "nesting."
The answer is yes! 

According to my husband, Jeff, I have been nesting since the day I was born and there is probably some truth in this. 

I was always organized since I was a child. I liked my room to be neat and tidy and I had fun putting all my toys away where they belonged. (Lucky parents.) When my mom announced that it was "closet cleaning day" my sister would groan and I would let out a gleeful sound. In high school, I would help my friends organize their closets, I absolutely loved it! I always changed my own closet's organizational system for fun- by "rainbow colors" or "seasons."

Oh, I am such a Virgo. I've met other Virgos who love cleaning and organizing as much as I do, which makes me feel perfectly normal. Also, it's in my roots. My mom has a clean house. My grandma has a clean house. And I've heard stories of my great-grandmother that blew us all out of the water. I'm not overly-concerned with sanitation, I'm a farm girl for goodness sakes. I just feel best when things are tidy. And though some people consider us to have a clean house, I know our homestead home will never be as clean as my mother or grandmother's houses and I'm okay with that. I know that living in the country comes with bringing in firewood and all other sorts of things that make a mess. So as long as things are generally tidy, dishes are done, and floors are swept- I'm a happy lady.

I've been cleaning, organizing, texturing walls, painting, and getting rid of stuff at our place for years and years. So yes, I've been preparing this nest for the new baby coming. And on top of nesting and my natural cleaning insticts: now Spring Cleaning is buzzing through our house- which inspires deeper cleaning than usual. Even Jeff is feeling it and clearing out all his workspaces (hooray for Spring!) 

I've been washing bedding, sweeping, dusting, washing the kitchen floors, scrubbing, mopping, vacuuming, tidying up, and opening all the windows to let the fresh air flow through and blow out all the winter stagnation leftover. Also, Jeff's mom is visiting tomorrow, which is a great incentive for extra cleaning. I will be meeting her for the very first time and I'm excited.

The baby's room is really coming together. We have a crib (that was mine when I was a baby), a baby-changing table (from our friend), a dresser for baby clothes (also mine as baby), a stroller (that my mom got for free from work), and some clothes we've gotten as gifts.

I'm feeling pretty good about it all. There's only a few things left that we really need to get: a car seat, a baby carrier, cloth diapers (a friend said she has some extras for us), and a few more clothes. Just recently I've been delighting in looking at baby things at the market. Early on in my pregnancy, I wasn't ready to collect very many baby things yet and I still don't want a lot of baby "stuff" (since I'm not a person who likes a lot of "stuff" in general), but I am starting to look at a lot more baby things now. I think as my belly gets bigger, it all becomes more real to me and I feel like I can get really excited now and ooh and aah over all the adorable baby things I see.

I guess birds aren't the only ones nesting in the Spring.

(P.S. If you like the nest shown in the picture above, you can find many more on our friend Lara's Etsy Store:

Mountain Hearth Handcrafts 

She makes handmade nests out of all natural materials and they are so sweet. You will be sure to fall in love when you see them.)

Avocado Baby

4 months pregnant and the baby is the size of an avocado. 

In celebration of this avocado baby, I made some guacamole today. 

What is baby craving this week?

Beets!

Baby loves Beets! 

So I stocked up on them at the farmer's market last weekend and have been preparing beets all week.

Epiphany

The other day it came to me. 

Have you ever read the children's story 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar'? 

This book sums up beautifully exactly how I feel.

I eat breakfast.

I'm still hungry.

I eat lunch.

I'm still hungry.

I snack.

I'm still hungry. 

And if I go too long without eating, well, you might want to steer clear because I may not be so pleasant until I get something to eat. :) 

Yes, The Very Hungry Taryn, that's me!